Questions

As you all can see, at the top of my blog I invite anyone to ask me anything. I’m not shy, and this is my SECRET THOUGHTS forum so I will tell you things I might not tell my closest friends.

Strange isn’t it? That I almost feel more comfortable telling the world my secrets, my feelings, but not the people that are close to me? :blush:

Anyway, here are a few of the questions that were emailed to me recently.:cool:

What martial art did you study?
Boxing was the start of it all for me. (About 15 years ago. I was 20 when I first got interested) After a year of boxing my trainer at the time introduced me to Kickboxing. I left Alberta and moved to another province, and couldn’t find any kickboxing gyms (remember this is a long time ago…before it became so popular) so when I called my trainer back home and said, “What do I do?” he said “Join a Karate school.” So I did. 🙂

I trained in Karate for a long time. (I still maintain a lifetime membership, unfortunatly it’s in a different province as I’ve moved again.) But after a while I wanted to explore other martial arts as well. I did Kung Fu for a whole month, (Not my style at all!) and almost three years in Jui Jitsu with an ex-military instructor that runs his own private security company.

All styles taught me different things about myself, and what my body and mind were capable of. I truly believe that the fact that I cannot find somewhere to train is the reason my weight has slowly gone up over the last five years. I try various gyms, and Dojo’s, but I’ve been very spoiled in training with some of the best, and I’m having a hard time finding someplace that I feel I might fit. Thus, I just go to the gym, and work out on my own…and it’s not a challenge, and I’m not learning anything, and I find it boring…so I’m not as vigilant about it as I should be.

What part of your body do you feel the most sensual about?
My Skin actually. And my hair. I’m like an animal that way. I love to be touched and petted, even if it’s just on the hand or the arm, or someone playing with my hair while I drift off to sleep. Often, when I’m distressed or upset, I find myself stroking my own arms or legs, (if I’m sitting) the feel of skin on skin is very sensuous to me so I try very hard to make sure that my skin is always soft to the touch.

I saw your picture and don’t understand why you think that you are having weight issues. I don’t mean to be too forward (or maybe I do) but it seems that from your picture, your breasts seem ample but not overflowing. You have a great personality, from what I can gather from your blog entries.

Thank you. I like to think I have a great personality too! *g*. And I do agree that personality is more important than looks. For me, it’s a matter of knowing what my body is capable of and how good it can feel, versus, how I’ve let it go. I don’t ever dream about myself as some slim model type. I don’t want that. I do LOVE having curves and being soft….feeling like a woman should. But, there are times when I let myself get TOO soft, and the curves just become roundness. LOL. It’s not completely about how I look (although I do admit that is PART of it) but about how I feel, emotionally and physically.

Physically, as I’ve gotten a bit older and gained a bit more weight, my body FEELS older. My body aches after an eight hour shift behind the bar like never before. My feet hurt, my back hurts, and I’ve managed to make injuries when I do work out a common occurrence. I think this is all tied in to the weight gain I’ve had in the last 5 years.

Emotionally, although I am often told I am pretty, and how great a personality I have, I often still feel unloved and lonely. I have friends, I have family, I even have lovers. But I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve never “dated” someone, and I’ve never been in love. Somehow, rational or not, a part of me believes this is because of my weight. The fact that there have been years when I was in exellent physical condition, and none of these things happened, or the fact that overweight people everywhere have spouses and loved ones, doesn’t factor into my feelings when I’m sitting home alone on my birthday or New Years Eve. My weight becomes the excuse for my feeling unloved, and then I eat more.

It’s a vicious circle, and knowing about it is half the battle. That’s why it’s a constant struggle. Sometimes I just don’t care that eating junk is going to make me gain wieght. Soemtimes, I take what comfort I can, where I can.

Does this make any sense?