So last night at work, I was reminded that I haven;t done a lot lately that might inspire me- eroctically speaking.
I had two guys who’d come in and had a couple of beers and some food, who then proceeded to talk about how long it’s been since they’d been drunk. One was a week, the other was a month. I laughed at them and told them it’s been almost a year for me. LOL
Then I had another table, 2 guys on a date, (Who were great fun) and we got into a conversation about sex. Varieties of it , experimentation…so on. The topic of how often, or not came up. and that reminded me that it’s been a while there too. There was some flattering “Why ? You’re hot. If I were straight I’d go for you.” and so on, and I acknowledged it’s because of my weight gain.
Now, I know that it doesn’t always matter to some men, and that’s the sort of man I want, however, it matters to me.
I don’t feel sexy, I feel fat. And I do believe that has effected my urge to write erotica. Whether it’s becasue i don’t really want to think about sex, or romance right now, or becasue sitting in front of the computer all day just makes me want to eat more, I’ve not quit figured out yet.
Part of me would really love for a hot guy to ask me out right now, to take the time to get to know me, and not care if I lost wight. I still want to lose weight, but I want a man who doesn’t care. Make sense? Think it’s possible?
Either way, I’m sticking to my health plan, and I do feel better. More energy, happier. And completely okay with being single and working toward my own health and happiness. I turn 40 in 8 months, and I want to be in top shape by then. I’m keeping this photo of my Dad and I (when I was 20) handy to inspire me. This is when I was kickboxing 5 days a week, and probably when I was in the best shape of my life. I doubt I’ll ever be in that good of shape again, but I’m determined to be close. I’m going to be in top shape by my 40th birthday so I can be fabulous and 40!!
PS: No laughing at my 80’s pants and belt. It was in style then!
I understand what your are saying
if you don’t feel sexy yourself,
you can’t imagine anyone thinking
you are. Weight gain is a beast!
You were a cutie at 20, but you’re a beauty now! I know what you’re saying. I haven’t felt sexy for a good long time now and can’t get my (big) butt into gear to do anything about it. My hubby loves me regardless of my size which is very generous of him, but has probably made me too comfortable being a chubster. I’m the selfish one for making both of us “settle” for me, as I am.
Big hugs.
I so feel you, Sasha-love! I don’t feel sexy (at all) either, haven’t for a LONG time and, until just recently, hadn’t written a thing in what feels like forever!
I have to agree with Debbie–weight gain is a beast!
Oh, Sasha, I’ve got some old pictures of me and the hair and clothes are almost identical. And if I could find one of me with my dad I would cherish it – boy do I miss him.
I think being married I feel more comfortable with my weight gain, but I can honestly say that having lost 14 pounds so far I’m loving that burst of confidence. I’m halfway to my goal and it sure is easier with Eddie’s love and support. Now if I could just find an easy solution to saggy breasts that have nursed three children!
Sasha, you are surely already fabulous in the most important ways! But I do find it is hard being a girl as we seem to be much-more self-critical/self-conscious when it comes to weight and stuff like that. Keep it up with your health plan goals! I”m trying my best for my own too.
I know exactly what you mean about finding someone who won’t care if you lose weight, though you want to. It’s hard to get others to understand sometimes when they think you look good, but you just don’t feel as good as they say you look. *sigh*
I hear you Sasha.
I fell off the wagon, and started drinking Pepsi again. I’m still going to the gym 3 days a week, but its not making a difference because I’m back on Pepsi.
I figure I’m going to do a cleanse and starve myself before RT, so at least I drop some major weight, then when I get back home I’ll deal with it.
I have to look hot!! LOL
Is there something in the air, is the moon on some cycle I don’t know about – I just had this conversation yesterday. I’m fat, and ugly and no body likes me…think I’ll go eat worms, yep that’s me the past few days.
You are a beautiful, talented writer and bartender and can do whatever you set your mind to – hit 40 with a bang!!!! Hell do it now!!!
LOL I remember seeing your author photo for the first time and thinking: “Damn, she’s beautiful.” I know though, it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks, it’s all in how you see yourself. *Hugs* 😀
I knew you all would understand. Thanks. 🙂
Sasha!
You’re so naturally gorgeous, funny and smart–you really should just let go and have some fun. Betcha if you took a look around you’d realize you’re getting more looks than realize. Even old me gets checked out now and then and my daughter has to tell me because I don’t recognize the signs anymore!