Life

I had a weird day. It started normal, nothing exciting. I did my work thing (as opposed to the work out thing) , and then chatted with some friends online while checking emails and found one that messed up the rest of my day. And that jolt of anxiety/panic that hit spurred on some serious thinking on my part.

At the end of August, I did some timed writing exercises online with a couple of author friends who also had Sept 1st deadlines. We’d write for 45 minutes, then break for 15. That last week of August was hugely productive for me. And I loved what I wrote. In fact, I loved it so much I’d sort of decided to keep writing – to jump right into another project.

One of my friends and I talked about doing the timed writing every Sat, and I was going to become a “weekend novelist” since I’m back at work at the bar full time as of Sept 2nd. I talked with friends and co-workers about a non-fiction idea I’ve had forever, and even they got excited. Yet, part of me has worried over the past two weeks because I haven’t been as diligent in my working out as I’d planned. Mostly because going back to work full time has been kicking my ass -physically.

Seriously, I’ve not worked a nine hour shift in at least two, probably three years..and now that’s almost all I work. I’m loving being back at work though. I enjoy talking to people and flirting and pretty much everything about waitressing and bartending. Okay, there are the drunks, and the idiots, and the assholes…but that’s a different story. This is about the things I like. But, I’m almost 39 years old, and I’ve spent the better part of the past three years on my ass in front of a computer, and I’ve gained a lot of weight. My feet do not like running around for 9 hours a night with all this weight. They don’t complain at the time, but the next afternoon when I wake up, I feel like a cripple.

And strangely enough, after my little anxiety attack this afternoon, I sat down to watch some video tapes. Yes, I said tapes. I don’t have cable, my mom tapes some shows for me every week. (Law and Order, Bones, CSI, Flashpoint) Anyway, I pulled out a tape and popped it in the VCR, and on the screen came me. Almost fifteen years ago, at a Karate compitition.

Wow! Blew me away.

My long long hair, and y’know… I kicked some ass. LOL I cried when I saw my old friend Jackson do his thing in the weapons competition. Jackson was a very good friend, and a mentor to me in many ways – and he passed away ten years ago from cancer at the very young age of 34. It was a strange sort of feeling to see him on screen completely by fluke when I’d just finished writing story that featured a character I’d originally named after him (Jackson Barrows was a secondary character in SEX AS A WEAPON, and gets his own story in next years MOST WANTED ) In all honesty I think he’d laugh so hard he’d cry if he knew I was now writing erotica, and I’d named a character after him.. You see, Jackson and I didn’t have that sort of relationship. He was like a big brother to me. And while I was writing SEX AS A WEAPON he was in my mind as Jack, he was not in my mind when writing UNRESTRICTED ACCESS (the story in Most Wanted) . The character had become his own man….but it was still a cool reminder.

And it was a good swift kick in the pants for me to see myself in fighting form. At one point in time martial arts was my life. I lived and breathed training. But life goes on, I moved on. Traveling and photography was my passion for a while too. And so was writing. I realized that I do still enjoy writing, and I do still really want to get back into fighting form, and I still want to travel… but none of those things has to be the one and only thing I do for the rest of my life.

I’m not talking about doing a bit of each every week, or even regularly. I’m not talking about finding the balance in my life. I’m talking about finding the joy in life again. Each and every thing I’ve done has been somthing I loved, until it became work, or a career, and then I tend to put too much pressure on myself, and the joy gets squeezed out.

So tonight I finally accepted that I might never have one solid career. I have too many passions, and I refuse to live a life without passion. So I’m going to focus on doing whatever the hell I want until I become restless with that, and decide I want to get serious about something again. And it will happen. One thing I learned about myself years and years ago that has not changed… I thrive on challenges… and changes. And my goal for the future is to thrive again.

What’s you goal for the future? Share with me in the comments.

PS: After I wrote this post, I saw this as my horoscope for Tuesday. (Which technically it is right now.)

You are finding it increasingly hard to find the energy to do the things you don’t want to do, which needs to be seen as a major clue and wake up call. It’s the things that you’re finding it hardest to get excited about, that you need to run through a reality filter, at a time of year when you are doing a lot of weighing up, about what stays and what goes. It is your imagination that needs to be allowed to run free, even if it seems pointless.