So, if you’ve been reading regularly, you know I met a guy off the internet earlier this week. (I’ll call him Man 1) I was sort of excited. He was attractive, and I felt very comfortable with him. So comfortable that amongst the talk of family and jobs that we talked alot about sex, I told him about what I write, some of my own fantasies. Some pretty personal things.
He seemed like he was into it. . . into me. He showed some affection and interest. I learned he was good kisser and I felt comfortable enough with him to fool around a bit. Yes, this was the “first date” thing and I know all the RULES about shit like that…but to be honest…I hate head games. I don’t see any reason why I should pretend to be mysterious and make him work for it when I want it too. I also feel that things will only ever work if you’re honest and open…God am I STUPID! :crazy:
So that was Monday night. Wednesday night was my Blog party…and I was in a great mood. Man 1 dropped by on his way to help his brother out with some home renovations. This is after the blog party and I was excited , feeling good…and him and I got physical. More physical than last time, and yes, I got to see him naked. 😛
Now, second time I see the guy and we’re in bed. Some would say I get whatever disrespect I deserve. I don’t believe that. I believe that sex is natural, and why can men be casual about it and women can’t? It’s the old why is a woman a slut and a man a stud?
Minutes after we’re done, he’s pulling on his pants and walking out the door. Did this bother me? Not really, I knew he had plans already that night and dropping by to see me had already made him late. I’m not a real clingy type so it was cool. What did bother me a bit, was the fact that he didn’t want to kiss me. How weird is that? It sorta felt like a slap in the face.
Now, I enjoy being the slut in the bedroom for someone I’m with. I know it doesn’t seem like I’m picky because I let this guy in to my bed so damn soon, but really, I am picky. By no means am I that way with everyone. But, I liked him, I felt comfortable with him and I don’t like head games.
So today he says hi on msn, and after a few minutes of chatting he say’s “I’m not looking for a relationship, or a girlfriend. I hope you know that.”
Uhmm, I do now. :confused:
I explain that I’m not looking to fall in love. (Well, I am. But not right away, and not sure if it would be with him. I mean , I am a woman…I’ve always wanted to fall in love…but I’m 35 years old and have never come close..so it’s not something I really see happening.)
We chat a bit, me being honest and open as usual…DO I want a relationship? Yes, I want a lover that can be a friend and show some affection as well. Does that mean I want a boyfriend that I talk to or chat with every day? Nope, not at all. I work nights, I write days, I ‘m trying desperately to build a career here, and really. . .I love my alone time. What it comes down to is him saying he wasn’t “into” that, but he was there if I just wanted a fuck.
Damn! Part of me, the hormonal PMSing part, is hurt. I’m pretty disappointed because I had hopes for getting some regular sex, and being able to maybe explore some of my more adventurous fantasies. Another part of me wonders if things went this way because I was “too easy”.
Realistically, I want a lover. If it grew to more, great, if it didn’t that would be ok too. Really, I just hate being alone sometimes, and some lov’n on a regular basis would be a welcome thing.
So tell me, am I going to have to play games in order to find a man that can deal with an ongoing, but casual relationship? Do I have to pretend that I don’t really enjoy sex, or want it as much as any guy would?
Cuz I hate pretending. It sucks. :angry:
Or. . . could he be offering me what I want and I, in my PMSing state, am just not able to see it? Does “just a fuck” mean just that? A fuck, no affection, no hugs or kisses or anythign once the cumming os over. Or is it Man Speak for being a casual lover?
Ahhh… jees. 🙁 This is a hard one to answer because there’s no blanket label you can stick on all men. Every individual is different. However I am one of those women men get serious about (my relationships are always years long, I’ve had five proposals and two marriages) so I kinda understand how to get to the commitment stage. In most of my serious relationships the guys made it clear they found me attractive but they wouldn’t pursue the sexual aspect of it because they wanted to get serious. This is always a big tip off to me. *g* If the guy makes an effort to stay OUT of my bed for awhile it’s because he wanted something more than a fuck partner.
In high school and in the Army almost all of my friends were guys. I can’t tell you how often I heard, "I really liked her but she put out right away." There **is** a double standard to where most men don’t value a woman who is too sexually free. I’m not saying I agree with it, but I’m saying it does exist.
So in answer to your question:
\So tell me, am I going to have to play games in order to find a man that can deal with an ongoing, but casual relationship?\
You don’t have to play games, but staying out of bed for awhile will increase the chances that you’ll weed out the losers and find a guy who is commitment oriented. But this is just my opinion based on my experience. However, I think for you to be asking these questions shows that this has been your experience too.
I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you and this guy, sweetie. 🙁 Really, I am. (((((hugs))))) and chocolate and Reno wishes coming your way.
BTW, I totally admire your honesty. 🙂
Yes, you’re right. It has been my experience that this double standard exists. You know, in GYPSY HEART, it’s the guy that trys to stay out of the girls bed because he’s intrigued by her. The way I wrote it is my ultimate fantasy . . . to find a man that I like , and that’s man enough to make me wait for the good stuff. Because, unfortunately for me, men are a lot like food. When I see something I think is tasty, I have no willpower.:P
Mind you, even food often leaves me unsatisfied after the binge. 😉
yeah, hon, I’m afraid, Sylvia’s right–that double standard does exist, for 99% of the guys. One-percenters think it’s great to find someone so ‘open, in touch with her sexuality, ect.’ But these guys rare.
One thing that irked me about Man 1 is his lack of respect. Whether or not this has anything to do with how quickly you two became intimate is besides the point. Many, many people have affairs or f**ck buddies and they still manage to treat *each other* with respect and enjoy each others company–in and out of bed to varying degree–without expecting anything more ‘serious’. I’m glad you did get some enjoyment, and I’m sorry things took a left turn, but if he’s offering a f*ck, he can go f*ck himself. :angry:
You’re a great girl, talented, loyal, funny, beautiful, honest to a fault, gg, you’ll met the right guy for you. ((hugs))
Sasha, if you start pretending you don’t like sex, I will hunt you down & beat you with a dildo. :O
You are such an open, honest person, & you deserve so much better. Nothing wrong with having somebody for a good f**k now & then–but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be affection & respect along with it. The fact that he showed it on the first date but not after the second was telling, I’m afraid. Doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It means he’s an asshole.
Maybe part of the answer is to be aware of each other’s expectations up front. Maybe he has some emotional issues.
But you don’t have to settle for less than you want.
And agree with Jaq about what he can do with himself. And he probably does. :angry:
Thanks, Jaq! I know it’s possible to find a good fuck buddy. I used to have one…but he moved away. 🙁
I think Man 1’s comments just suprised me since I hadn’t asked him for anything or suggested more than a lover/buddy thing. I didn’t bring the topic up this afternoon up either, HE did that. And when I mentioned affection and respect, he said he wasn’t "into that". Well, I’m not into being with some one, even casually, without that. SO, it’s back to the internet to look for Man 2! 😉
further to his lack of respectfulness and your question as to whether or not he’s offering what you want in ‘man speak’. Men know how to speak just fine re choice of phrasing. He could have easily said he enjoyed the time you shared together, your sense of humor and he likes talking to you, etc., but he’s not ready for anything more than something casual. He loved having sex with you, thought you were hot, looked forward to trying some of the things in bed you two talked about, but he wanted to be upfront that that was all he was prepared to give. Put that way, he would have given clear indication that he wanted more or less what you wanted, yet it doesn’t sound as harsh does it? He knew to speak ‘nicely’ before he shook off and zipped up, so he can darn well continue to speak nice afterwards. :angry:
((Dream)) Thanks Girl!
And uhmm, no need to hit me with the dildo. I promise I won’t start pretending to not like sex…lol. I’m not sure I could ever really do that anyway! :blush:
((Jaq)) Woman, I just love the way you have with words! :laugh:
GACK!! while I was (furiously) typing, you guys were posting. He’s not into affection and respect?!?!
:angry: :angry:
Guy. Is. An. Asshole. Be glad you found out sooner rather than later.
I have a thing about respect. For the most part, everyone deserves it. Whether from your parents, friends, family, spouses/lovers, coworkers, employers, sales clerks, telemarketer, whomever. The closer I get to forty the more I don’t want to put up with anybody’s shit.
I’m the same way, Jaq. Respect is a big thing for me. And I know how to command it in my every day life, but men…I really do think I’m hopeless when it comes to them.
I’ve always had alot of male friends and they talk to me…and I guess I thinkall men are like them. But really, it’s naive of me to think that. MY GOD, I can’t believe it!! I’m NAIVE!!
I try to be as open as possible, becasue I hate being lied to or misled myself. I do still believe this is the way to be, and I will be this way, next time. But I will also try my best to not jump the guys bones so soon next time. :hehe:
😎 wow go away for 5 days and you all have a party…
guy #1 wasn’t Keith was it? someday you and my daughter will have to compare notes on those horrid Edmonton men. Me I perfer cowtowners.
I met a really nice guy online about a year and a half ago, we try to keep it friendly and do a bit of flirting, he tells me alot of stuff about his relationships he says no sex on the first 3 dates, well, unless she hands him a condom 😀
Tough question to answer. :plain:
As someone who’s slept with people on the first date and not slept with them at all, you can’t really tell what a guy is after.
I think at the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself. I’m not a game player because to me it’s a tad dishonest. If a guy has a problem with that then I’m obviously someone he could never be with and vice versa so I don’t lose sleep over it.
Don’t apologize or regret anything you’ve done just because someone else is a jack ass about it later. Just know that you’re going to meet men like this in life and not to sound cheesy, it’ll make you appreciate the one you finally meet who accepts you for you. I did. Although he too can be a Prick Bastard at times.
Chin up. Don’t waste anymore time than necessary trying to figure out what this man was thinking as he obviously doesn’t have a fully functional brain to begin with.
Dianna~ Nope, his name wasn’t Kieth. I do have to stick up for Edmonton Men…Man 1 wasn’t a native. 😎
Grace~ I didn’t even know you were married!! LOL
OKay, I know there’s some guys outthere that read this blog, Any of you want to venture an opinion? I’m curious to hear a male perspective on this. 🙂
You don’t have to play games, but staying out of bed for awhile will increase the chances that you’ll weed out the losers and find a guy who is commitment oriented.
I agree with sylvia sweets. It’s not about playing games! And I agree w/Jaq–the double standard sucks but it still exists.
BUT HIM he showed a total lack of respect–he’s gone. I’ll admit I’m a major cynic, but I do think there’s a lot of fucked up men out there who don’t know how to have a real relationship.
Ditto what pretty much everyone has said. There IS a double standard, and it sucks. Men want a "naughty" girl who puts out to have sex with, but they want a "nice girl" to have a real relationship with, and they can’t see that a woman can be both.
Men suck.
But don’t change who you are, because there ARE men out there who won’t judge you for simply being open and honest. They are hard to find, but they exist. 🙂
Whoa…I’m married?!?! I guess I should stop shamefully flirting with this guy in class then eh? :crazy:
I’m not married. Which is why he’s a Bastard. haha. :hehe:
Ow, Cece! Because I was one of those fucked up [wo]men out there who didn’t know how to have a real relationship. 😉 I can see where Man 1 is coming from, even though how he went about it makes him an idiotic plonker. What he said was because he thought he did you a favour, e.g. laying all cards on the table, instead of stringing you along, feeding you false hopes and promises. In his mind, he’s being respectful to you.
If you think about it, it’s you who have an issue with the set up, not him. I mean, you were honest with him, but what you think comes across may not what he may perceive. If you said all that to me, I’d interpret it as I can sleep with you and walk away with no hard feelings and no attachment. By this, I mean, to him, a fuck is a fuck. To you, if I read you correctly, a fuck is a casual relationship – good sex, hugs, affection, etc. I think afterwards, from his POV [if I read your post correctly], you changed the ‘rules’, that you are trying to get him to do what you want him to do, which isn’t what he’s prepared to give. Which is probably why he said what he said. It doesn’t make him a wanker [even though he IS a wanker for treating you that way after that fun session]. His terms are just different from yours, and that’s all to it. Write him off because obviously his terms don’t match yours. It’s not a mistake, though, it’s a valuable experience that enchants [sp?] your life and outlook. You came away with a bit of something, which is better than coming away feeling that you’re a failure [which I hope you know you aren’t!].
Perhaps next time [there will be next time! What man could resist you? :D] you may have to be a bit more clearer – that you want sex AND friendship; someone you could enjoy sex as well as his friendship, affection and this sense of being there for you whenever you need him.
And that thing about head games? We all do it. I mean, seduction, flirting and sex are part of head games, aren’t they?
Yeah, just flip the Bird at Man 1 and move on. There’s a better man out there, the one who will recognise the Real You, and respect and love you for it.
Sorry that this is such a ramble, but I hope it makes sense. 🙂 ((hug))
I had a relationship once that was just a mutual itch-scratching. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and he was in a bad one that for a good reason he couldn’t get out of at the time. (He was NOT married.) Just sex. No more.
But there was definitely affection and there was respect. Neither of us ever felt used or cheap. We cared about each other. Then I helped him shop for a birthday gift for Her, and realized it hurt. Gee, I screwed up and fell for the guy. 😛
You just have to be you. You’re an awesome person, and pretending isn’t good for the soul. You WILL find what you’re looking for.
(That guy and I–we’ll be married 12 years in May. It SO wasn’t supposed to happen that way.)
Okay, there’s generally a consensus of opinion here, but I must disagree with Maili, just a bit…
If I understand, they were well on their way to already being friends via the internet. And he didn’t have any problem being affectionate on the first date–only AFTER the sex. I’d hardly call that laying cards on the table OR being respectful. I’d call it a shit thing to do.
And the only thing I can see her coming away from this experience with, other than a bit of spunk, is the realization that it’s not always wise to be so open about who you are, and not to trust your feelings about men. And how sad is that?!
Sorry for going off, but shitheads like this piss me off. But we agree there are better men out there. Somewhere… 🙁
What you did was exactly natural…you were interested in a guy, made friends, then had sex.
What if it had been reversed and a guy was in your place–and after she she got her goodies, she then turned rejecting and started acting like a bitch…he’d say the hell with her, right?
Man1 is an asshole with issues. I figure it’s better to know now than later, so you waste no more of your precious time or fabulous body on such!
I’m new here–followed you from Cece’s link. Love th style.
Hi There!
So Awesome of all you to come out and chat about this. I admit I was a bit worried that posting it on my blog was inapropriate, but then I figured…It’s MY blog, so I can put whatever I want. 😛
ok rebuttles.
Cece~ I understand what you and Sylvia are saying, and if I was looking for a serious long term relationship…I would probably make more of an effort ot stay out of his?my bed for a longer period of time.
To make this clear for everyone . . . , Man 1 was not someone I found looking for a serious relationship with. He was soemone that I was looking at as a lover. A bed buddy, a casual friend. IF it turned to more, then YAY, if it didn’t than that would be ok too.
Thanks Larissa~ I admit I felt like shit for about ten minutes after chattiing with him yesterday…but then I decided I wasn’t wrong., and I will continue to be myself.
Maili~ I also think you misunderstand the situation a bit. It’s not that I am against something casual at all. That is what we btoh talked about and what I wanted. If all he has to offer is sex, that’s ok, but sex without SOME affection is what you go to a hooker for. I don’t want, and won’t accept someone that makes me feel cheap or used. Someone that is fine to chat and show affection and be friendly BEFORE he saw my bedroom, and doesn’t turn his head away from a kiss goodbye after. Make sense?
AND to make this clear to everyone as well…I am not pissed off at him. He was a nice guy , wheather he misunderstood me, I misunderstood him…not the point. I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Shannon! Thats great! I totally understand it. That happened to me once, but when WE realized I was falling for him, we quite seeing each other because he didn’t want to hurt me, and he wasn’t ready for a relationship. 😎
Dream~ you got it! 😉
Wendy~ Killer abs would be nice. And a nice big…uhmm… :blush: Thanks fro de-lurking! It’s nice to meet you.
Monica~ Welcome to my little world! 🙂
I don’t think you have to change who you are, but you may have to ‘filter’ a bit more. Some people don’t ‘deserve’ your openness. Most guys don’t like what they can get easily. It is not a game. It’s biology. They love the chase.
Strike this encounter up to a lesson learned and move on. There are definitely ‘men’ out there. Stop wasting your time on boys. They’re only good for ‘pets’ and you already have a kitty. 😉
Jordan phrased it MUCH better than I did–I like "filtering" 😀
I agree…Joprdan, you summed us all up nicely! 😀 :hehe: :laugh:
Dreamweaver – "I’d hardly call that laying cards on the table OR being respectful. I’d call it a shit thing to do." Of course. I 100% agree with you on that. I didn’t mean to say *I* thought he was either. It’s very likely that *he* thought those. That’s if he’s a typical bloke. 🙂 Sorry that I didn’t make that clear. My fault.
Sasha, I do understand what you’re saying. It seems that I’ve messed up the point I tried to make in my previous response: you weren’t in the wrong, at all. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, though. I’ll shut and leave this to people who could communicate well! 😀 Thanks. :hehe:
Np Maili! You didn’t upset me at all! LOl
Don’t leave!! LOL
In fact, none of this really upset me…it was just a "THING" that happened. My biggest point about it all was if I was misunderstanding him. Or was I being to simple in what I expected type thing. Why can;t a woman want a casual relaship and still be liked type of thing. LOl
no matter it’s all over with. 😉
😎
You know I don’t really know you but you seem like the no nonsense type. There is nothing wrong with just wanting a fuck and if something happens in the long run then good if not then I hope the fuck was good. I love your freedom and the power you possess. You are a strong woman and you will find what you’re looking for. The hard part of it all is we write these wonderful characters and real men can not ever be like them. Hell I would have already married CeCe’s Rowdy if that were possible.
Maili, please don’t leave!
If I was upset,it was not at you.
The important thing is we all agree that you deserve better, Sasha. 🙂
Hollie–you mean Rowdy’s not real?? :O
:angry:
Not unless CeCe has been hiding him. WOMAN… I need answers now
If you guys are going to fight over Rowdy, I get TIM.!! Or Jake if Steph’s willing to give him up for good. 😛
😀
You know I want Rowdy and Zander….Tossed with some Dageous and some other Highland warrior men from KMM.
Hey Sasha, after months of reading your blog, I must de-lurk to say: I think you’re pretty terrific and I’m sorry Man 1 was a pinhead. Your honesty and willingness to put yourself out there are special qualities and you *will* find a guy smart enough and secure enough with himself to accept who you are (god, when did I start sounding like my mother?). Anyway, in my—now long ago—single days, I didn’t play games or not have sex with someone until X number of dates. Like you, I didn’t believe in denying myself; if I wanted to I did, but I was picky too. I’m sending you happy vibes that Man 2, whoever he might be, will have some social skills, not be so arrogant to assume you want to own him just because you have sex with him, and just for fun let’s hope he has some killer abs! 😀